scream pain and fire quest

[only1doug]

I think you still need to work on your dialogue, you still have texting style shortcuts in the dialogue, its bad enough in your posts but unacceptable in a quest dialogue.

[Pyrizzle]

Using the dialog that you have entered Sorrow I put this together for you. I did make small changes; including some grammar, punctuation, and a bit of artistic licensing. This is for you to use, change it as you see it as you see fit in a post. Once we get the dialog written out nicely I will add it to the first post on the thread. If there is any way that I can help just let me know.

((An easy way to use this entry would be to press quote on the post and simply remove everything above the dotted line and the [/quote] and the very end of the post))
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Our hero (aka you) comes across a small encampment were you find an old man among the encampment who asks for your help."

Old man: Please young boy help us!
Hero:
*What do you need help with old man?
*Whatever old man. (ends conversation, can be restarted)
Old man: We are from the village Ash.
Old man: One day we were betrayed by the Feygard guards sent to defend our villages.
Hero:
*What? The Feygard guards would never do such a thing. You're lying old man! (ends conversation, can be restarted)
*Please going on.
Old man: Our village is overrun by monsters that burn everything they touch.
Old man: The brave fighters of Ash tried to fend them off, but they were all burned alive while trying to protect the village.
Old man: We here are the only ones that got away alive. We fear that if they are not stopped that they will spread and eventually destroy everything.
Hero:
*ok old man, I will help you destroy this evil.
*No way old man your story is full of lies and I should report you to the Feygard guards and see what they have to say. (ends convo to be restarted)

"After fighting your way past the dark fire monsters you the boss standing next to the Feygard commander."

Boss: Awww... so your the one who has been interrupting my plans...
Hero:
* What's going on here?
* Yeah I'm the one that's messing up your plans! Why are you just standing there commander?
* Why is a Feygard commander here?
Boss: The commander is my puppet.
Boss: I bribed him into believing that he will receive riches beyond his wildest dreams if he were to have his troops leave the village of Ash.
Hero:
*but why?
*Why would you do such an awful thing?
Boss: Just for the fun of it... I love hearing you pathetic humans scream in pain and burned by my fire muahahahah!
Commander: I did what you asked NOW WHERE'S MY GOLD!?!?!?!
Boss: You are of no use to me anymore.
Commander: *becomes consumed by dark fire and screams in agony and is then killed*
Boss: Hahaha yes that is the scream I love.
Boss: Now it's your turn to feel the burn muahahahaha!!!!!
Hero:
*For the shadow you will die!
*Just shut up and die already!
*Please don't hurt me!!!!

"After defeating the monster and finding the wing of the demon you return to the old man from Ash."

Old man: Did you kill them?
Hero:
*Yes I slayed their leader and here's proof.
*No not yet (ends conversation, can be restarted)
*Can you tell me your story again? (old man retells the story)
Old man: What's this? ... This can't be... Yes it is! Its the wing from the Dark Fire Demon Master!!!
Old man: *Over joyed* You did it! You actually did it!!!
Old man: Oh thank you! Thank you very much! how can we ever repay you?
[ you receive 1000 XP and 500 gold] [Quest is finished]
Old man: Oh please young hero; please allow me to give you a blessing of the shadow.
Hero:
*Sure
*Ill pass thank you. (ends conversation. Is restarted from Old Man last sentence "oh please young hero")
[You receive: Blessing of the Shadow]
Old man: Thank you again hero.

Quest Submitted By Sorrow

[only1doug]

Much better, thanks Pyrizzle.

Just a query Sorrow, would you object to a little work on the wording here:

Boss: Just for the fun of it... I love hearing you pathetic humans scream in pain and burned by my fire muahahahah!

It just doesn't seem quite right to me, here are some alternative options that you might consider:

I love hearing you pathetic humans scream in pain as you burn in my fire

I love hearing you pathetic humans scream in pain as you are burned by my fire


I also prefer to express evil laughter as Mwahahahaha instead of Muahahahahah (because I read Muahahahaha as "Moo ahh")

[sorrow]

Thanks Pyro on the clear up on things and grammar... was never a strong point in school. And Doug I'm still working on it this verson Pyro fixed up is probably (more then likely) is gonna get change because saru what's more to do in this quest so I'm going to be adding alot more to it (like a map maker quest and a lost Teddy bear quest) so that way we can have atleast a hard quest and if its ok with Pyro ill write it and send it to him so he can make any adjustment that need to be fix if that's ok.

Also so you know this is my 1st time writing a quest that's well thought out. Yes I wrote valley of the dragons but that quest really didn't take off and nor did it get popular like this one. So please bear with me I am trying.

[only1doug]

Thanks Pyro on the clear up on things and grammar... was never a strong point in school. And Doug I'm still working on it this verson Pyro fixed up is probably (more then likely) is gonna get change because saru what's more to do in this quest so I'm going to be adding alot more to it (like a map maker quest and a lost Teddy bear quest) so that way we can have atleast a hard quest and if its ok with Pyro ill write it and send it to him so he can make any adjustment that need to be fix if that's ok.

Holy run-on sentence batman!

Was this what you were trying to say?

Thanks Pyro for the clear up on things and grammar.... It was never my strong point in school.

Doug: I'm still working on it, this verson Pyro has fixed up is probably (more then likely) is going to get changed because I'd like it to be good for Sarumar.

What's There's more to do in this quest so I'm going to be adding alot more to it (like a map maker quest and a lost Teddy bear quest), that way this will be a hard quest.

If its ok with Pyro i'll write it and send it to him so he can make any adjustment that need to be made.

I find that I skip most of your posts Sorrow, I find them very hard to read unless I'm willing to make lots of effort and I've avoided replying to subjects that I've been interested in because my focus shifts to the poor quality of your communication.
I don't want to be focusing on negatives so I'll just add that I think this quest has potential, I'll try to watch the thread.

Have you considered writing your posts in a word processign application and copy / pasting them into the message board?
You may find that it's easier to manage the details that way and such applications often come with spelling correction tools built in.

Edit:

Also so you know this is my 1st time writing a quest that's well thought out. Yes I wrote valley of the dragons but that quest really didn't take off and nor did it get popular like this one. So please bear with me I am trying.

I'm not trying to discourage you, I am actually trying to encourage you to improve on what you already have.

[sorrow]

Oh I know Doug. I'm sorry for the run on sentences and will work on that for everyone. Lol I'm so used to texting that my.grammar and run on sentences get really bad. And I was just letting people know that this is my 1st real quest. I can take criticism well unless its a full on verbal attack. Don't worry Doug I will start making my posts readable.

[Pyrizzle]

Holy run-on sentence batman!

Nobody messes with Adam We!!!
(I am a sucker for the Original Batman Series)
"TUNE IN NEXT WEEK. SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT-CHANNEL"

Sorrow:

No problem my friend i am glad that you like the work that i did. I was trying really hard to keep as close to the original as i could (But did take a few liberties here and there)

PM me or post on this thread anytime, I will be here to help when you need me.

Happy hunting adventurers!

[sorrow]

10-4 Pyro squad 51 365

[sorrow]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Our hero (aka you) comes across a small encampment were you find an old man among the encampment who asks for your help."

Old man: Please young boy help us!
Hero:
*What do you need help with old man?
*Whatever old man. (ends conversation, can be restarted)
Old man: We are from the village Ash.
Old man: One day we were betrayed by the Feygard guards sent to defend our villages.
Hero:
*What? The Feygard guards would never do such a thing. You're lying old man! (ends conversation, can be restarted)
*Please going on.
Old man: Our village is overrun by monsters that burn everything they touch.
Old man: The brave fighters of Ash tried to fend them off, but they were all burned alive while trying to protect the village.
Old man: We here are the only ones that got away alive. We fear that if they are not stopped that they will spread and eventually destroy everything.
Hero:
*ok old man, I will help you destroy this evil.
*No way old man your story is full of lies and I should report you to the Feygard guards and see what they have to say. (ends convo to be restarted)
Old man: oh good but before you go destroy this evil you must first find the map maker.
Old man: last I heard he went to stoutford to get away from everything.
Hero: ok go to stoutford and seek the map maker.

"After fighting your way past the dark fire monsters you the boss standing next to the Feygard commander."

Boss: Awww... so your the one who has been interrupting my plans...
Hero:
* What's going on here?
* Yeah I'm the one that's messing up your plans! Why are you just standing there commander?
* Why is a Feygard commander here?
Boss: The commander is my puppet.
Boss: I bribed him into believing that he will receive riches beyond his wildest dreams if he were to have his troops leave the village of Ash.
Hero:
*but why?
*Why would you do such an awful thing?
Boss: Just for the fun of it... I love hearing you pathetic humans scream in pain and burned by my fire muahahahah!
Commander: I did what you asked NOW WHERE'S MY GOLD!?!?!?!
Boss: You are of no use to me anymore.
Commander: *becomes consumed by dark fire and screams in agony and is then killed*
Boss: Hahaha yes that is the scream I love.
Boss: Now it's your turn to feel the burn muahahahaha!!!!!
Hero:
*For the shadow you will die!
*Just shut up and die already!
*Please don't hurt me!!!!

"After defeating the monster and finding the wing of the demon you return to the old man from Ash."

Old man: Did you kill them?
Hero:
*Yes I slayed their leader and here's proof.
*No not yet (ends conversation, can be restarted)
*Can you tell me your story again? (old man retells the story)
Old man: What's this? ... This can't be... Yes it is! Its the wing from the Dark Fire Demon Master!!!
Old man: *Over joyed* You did it! You actually did it!!!
Old man: Oh thank you! Thank you very much! how can we ever repay you?
[ you receive 1000 XP and 500 gold] [Quest is finished]
Old man: Oh please young hero; please allow me to give you a blessing of the shadow.
Hero:
*Sure
*Ill pass thank you. (ends conversation. Is restarted from Old Man last sentence "oh please young hero")
[You receive: Blessing of the Shadow]
Old man: Thank you again hero.

Quest Submitted By Sorrow

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok I add the map maker intro quest in here

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As for location of this encampment I'm think of it being south of flagstone prison

[only1doug]

Old man: last I heard he went to fallhaven to get away from everything.
Hero: ok go to fallhaven and seek the map maker.

Hero: ok, I will go to fallhaven and seek the map maker.